


Deterioration

by Lp37451



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dark Thoughts, Depressed Tony Stark, Depression, Guilt, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark had PTSD, Tony-centric, suicidal Tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-06 11:35:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15193913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lp37451/pseuds/Lp37451
Summary: Tony Stark was many things. Suicidal being one of them. Notice how I said was?Inspired by a random quote online:“The demons are back and stronger than ever. They are looking for a fight. Looking to win, and this time, I might just let them.”WARNING SUICIDE TRIGGERS, A WHOLE LOT OF DEPRESSING TRIGGERS. DO NOT READ UNLESS COMFORTABLE.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here you have it, the one shot I promised since it’s irritatingly hard to write WTM fics without a computer. But anyway enjoy the darkness of my mind.  
> Basically there are 4 sections seperate by —o— the first ia Post Avengers, then Post Iron Man 3, then Post Age of Ultron, then Post Civil War.  
> Also this was written on my phone and i’ll Edit it better once home.

Another couldn’t hurt, though as Tony poured another glass of scotch he had the feeling he thought that several hours ago. Oh well.

“J, what’s the time,” he said voice slurring.

“1:45 sir” Tony grunted, so The Avengers shouldn’t be up for four more hours and he probably could get to his lab by then, it was nicer up here anyway, surrounded by air from the broken window and plastic sheeting placed by builders that Tony had pulled down to let more fresh air in. And minus the Loki indent in the ground it was perfectly calm. Funny. People would expect Tony Stark to be out dealing with the Department of Damage Control or something but here he was drinking himself into a stupor in the darkness of Stark tower. At the very least dwelling over the fact that he died several days ago after falling several thousand feet but again no. Instead, he was dwelling on words said by none other than Captain frickin America. The freak out from the fall and wormhole should occur maybe a week or two from now judging by how he acted after Afghanistan. Tony had managed to shove the emotions he felt at the words down because of the battle and mostly forgotten them (or told himself he had) but then a couple of days ago when the Avengers had been sent to stay on the less destroyed floors of Stark, now Avengers, Tower per Fury’s request. So yay. And yesterday morning they had convened for breakfast before going out to continue help with clean up more words were exchanged and here he was trying to ignore the pain that had come with Rogers saying shitty things.

-

**_That morning_ **

“Are you not coming Stark?” Asked Clint as the Avengers all suited up prepared to leave and help with the cleanup. Tony was leaning on the counter coffee in hand and dead tired.

“I can’t.” He murmured.

“Better things to do?” asked Natasha sceptically.

“No, I’m just too tired.” He said even quieter as he closed his eyes. Then Rogers walked in looking as usual as the poster boy of American perfectness.

“Stark, suit up, let’s go.”

“He’s not going,” Barton said munching on a pear he seemed to procure from nowhere.

“What do you mean?” But before he could say anything Rogers continued. “We did a lot of damage in the fight and we have to fix it. I don’t care if you supposedly have better things to do, you have to come.”

“I have work,” Tony said but Rogers ignored that.

“So you’re fine with causing damage as long as you don’t have to clean up after?” I thought no one could be that selfish.” _Um, excuse me?!? Who flew into a fucking space portal with a nuke to save all of Manhattan????_

“If you change your mind and decide to actually _help_ , then feel free to turn up. Even if you don’t want to it will be good for your image, which obviously means a lot to you.” Rogers said angrily, he then turned and strode out. Clint bit his lip awkwardly looking apologetic at Tony and followed him, Natasha shook her head and smiled sadly at Tony before following as well. Bruce walked up to him and patted his shoulder more awkwardly and sighed.

“He’ll come round.” Though Bruce sounded dispirited. He began to leave. “Oh and Tony you should tell him that you are the one who sent out Damage Control and where you were last night. He would be grateful if he knew all you’ve done.” Bruce smiled and left. He was obviously referring to how Tony had spent most of last night flying around and lifting heavy broken things for the DoDC until 4 am. Tony sighed and moved to his lab to work the emotions away.

—

**_Later again_ **

Pouring another drink Toby sighed. His mind was reaching the muted point of absolute fogginess where Tony told himself the pain would be gone. It never worked.

“Big man in a suit of armour.” Tony impersonated in a broken sounding voice as he emptied the bottle. _Ouch. “_ Take that away and what are you.” That had hurt. Knowing that Howard has been right. Captain America would never like a worthless asshole like Tony. Even so Tony had hoped when he was younger that Captain America would come and save him from Howard’s disappointed glares and remarks that would make him crumble. Just for the press, just for the press, the only time he acted like a father. Then once Tony was a teenager he realised the holy Captain would never save him, didn’t deserve it anyway, but Howard never stopped looking for his ‘better son’ or whatever and Tony hated him for it, he had hated the Captain for taking away any opportunity he might’ve had for a real father, one who liked him and didn’t spend his graduation from MIT following a lead on his missing friend. Tony growled as he filled the glass with more scotch from a new bottle. He hated him, hated him almost as much as he hated himself. Draining the full glass he coughed slightly as his throat burned. Why, why, why, why, why wouldn’t the pain go away, the feelings, the hatred. Instead of clouding his emotions like the alcohol should’ve it had removed everything else so the pain was now a star of Tony’s subconscious. He could vaguely hear JARVIS saying something but the background but Tony could only see red. He threw one of the empty bottles with all his strength against the wall and it shattered with a singing crash. Tony kicked the chair he was sitting on over and attempted to grab the other two bottles, an empty one and the one he had been drinking from, to throw them too but tripped over his drunken feet the bottles smashed underneath him and broken glass pierced his skin. Tony groaned and pulled himself to a sitting position, back against the bar he had been seated at. Ignoring the blood that was running from his arms he rubbed his face. Tears? How long had he been crying? He quickly rubbed them away as if the shadows would be judging him too. As if tripping into broken bottles of alcohol wasn’t degrading enough.

_Why am I doing this even, I’m not even an Avenger. Only heroes are Avengers. Not Asshole billionaires that make everything a joke like me. I don’t deserve this, any of it. Not the money, the fame, or the title of superhero. None of it. I could give Bruce and Pepper all my money so they could actually do some good and give Rhodey the suits and then just rid the world of the menace known as Tony Stark. It would be better off right?_

Tony didn’t even notice when Bruce rushed in. He didn’t respond when Bruce’s mouth moved and barely noticed as he treated his cuts and pulled him to the couch. He just lay there as Bruce looked sadly at him and sat in the opposite chair. Tony stared at the ceiling, not saying a word, entrapped in his own thoughts, Bruce didn’t fall asleep just watched his friend sadly for a while before pulling out a book and reading. Tony eventually passed out and when he awoke Bruce was asleep with his book open on his lap. Tony had a buzzing in his ears as he pushed past the real Avengers who had been looking for them and were bombarding him with questions probably about the broken glass, scotch, and blood in the floor and maybe about his bandaged arms. Tony didn’t know. He couldn’t hear them over the screaming in his mind.

 

—o—

 

“Sir, you really should sleep,” JARVIS said sounding worried. Tony sighed and drained another cup of coffee.

“No need for sleep J. Besides I’m tinkering.” Complained to Tony.

“Sir, it has been 84 hours.” Argued JARVIS, Tony grinned which was exhausting by itself.

“I guess I have a new record then.”

“I will have to inform Ms Potts.” Tony put his head in his hands, she couldn’t know. He was supposed to be back on a healthy sleeping schedule (like that could ever happen) but even with his new therapist (Pepper’s orders), the nightmares hadn’t gone away.

“But J.” Wailed Tony.

“I also have permission to inform Ms Potts if you refuse to take your medication.” Tony could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

“Which medication?” He asked skimming through his ToDo list. “That is quite an extensive list. Do you mean the antidepressants? Or the anxiety meds? Maybe you meant the pills I received post-op?”

“I am talking about your insomnia medication since you seem to be having more trouble than usual at the moment. You also seem to have forgotten that your anxiety and depression medication consists of a single tablet.”

“Well aren’t you a know-it-all.”

“I learn from the best.” Tony ignored the jab and continued to scroll the ToDo list that seemed to be endless.

“Sir, if you do not take your medication and go to bed I will inform Ms Potts.” Tony sighed and spun on his chair around to face one of the cameras in the room.

“I have work to do JARVIS, SI won’t make money itself you know.”

“Dialling Ms Potts.” Tony jumped to his feet and immediately swayed at the sudden movement his mind sluggish.

“No, JA-“

“Tony?” Came Pepper’s voice as a hologram emerged to show her face.

“Hi Pep.” He replied warily.

“What are you doing awake? I am in a completely opposite Time Zone, you should be asleep.” Pepper’s voice had taken on a disapproving tone.

“I was just about to go to bed,” Tony explained weakly.

“At 2 am?” She asked raising an eyebrow.

“I was working.” He muttered.

“How long have you been awake?”

Tony didn’t answer

“Tony, how long.”

“It’s not that long, you don’t have to be worr-“

“JARVIS?” She interrupted

“84 hours and 13 minutes” JARVIS replied. Pepper glared at I’m through the video call.

“You said this would stop.” She said accusingly.

Tony looked down sighed again and looked at the screen rubbing his face.

“I’m sorry Pep, they haven’t stopped and well…” _I’m afraid of going to sleep only to fall into my mind._ Pepper’s expression softened slightly,

“I know it’s hard Tony, but even so, you’re only human and you need sleep.”

“But I’m not only human. I am Iron Man and superheroes aren’t supposed to have nightmares and fucking panic attacks whenever someone mentions the wormhole in New York.” Rage was building in him, “I’ve never been human Pepper, I’ve always been a fucking prodigy who’s supposed to do everything and save the damn day even when I’m falling apart which I shouldn’t be doing since I’m Tony fucking Stark.” After his rant, he collapsed his head into his hands and groaned.

“Oh Tony,” sighed Pepper sadly. “You’ve always been human, sometimes even more so than others and you shouldn’t push away what makes you human, you are more than just Iron Man,”

“Yeah, I’m Tony Stark.” He replied bitterly.

“No, you are more than Tony Stark.” he looked up. “You’re the man who puts everyone else’s needs above his own and even his own health, which can frankly be infuriating, you’re the man who helps others daily and is far more kind, generous and emotional than anyone gives him credit for. You are the best man I have ever met Tony, please don’t throw yourself away.” Tony blinked, maybe it was his lack of sleep but the whole idea of what she just said seemed absurd to him. “I’ll be home in a couple of days. Please try and get some sleep and please Tony, please take your medication.” Her tone was pleading and looking at her Tony lost all resolve he had.

“Okay Pep, I’ll try and get some sleep and take the damn pills.” His voice had softened.

“I love you.” She said smiling slightly.

“Love you too,” Tony replied and the call ended. Tony sighed and made his way over to the elevator stumbling slightly with his tiredness. Up on his level in Avengers Tower (which was currently lacking the actual Avengers for various reasons.) Tony fell on to his bed and tried to go to sleep. Almost an hour later Tony still couldn’t sleep his brain just wouldn’t shut off.

“Trouble sleeping sir?” Asked JARVIS.

“Something like that,” Tony muttered, rolling over, it didn’t help that he now face the orange tubes of pills that seemed to glow in the darkness, taunting him. Tony stared at them a few seconds before reaching out to grab the bottle labelled Ambien and swallowing the needed amount. As he drifted off Tony feared what he was falling asleep to.

-

He was flying, the Chitauri were everywhere, streaming out of the glowing portal in the sky. He shot his repulses again, and again, the Chitauri didn’t stop and the Avengers weren’t coming. It was just Tony, just Tony. He blew up a Chitauri face, causing the blood to splatter the Iron Man armour. Then after he had gotten the blood out of his vision he saw it. A nuke flying towards him. Tony grabbed it and flew up, up, up. The wormhole swallowed him as he left earth. People definitely weren’t exaggerating the coldness of space. If anything they hadn’t been true to its murderous cold. The nuke soared towards the Chitauri and Tony relaxed waiting for the inevitable explosion that would be his end. At least it would be quick. But the explosion didn’t come. The nuke didn’t do anything. No. It must have been a dud, the Chitauri soared towards him and he began to fall back to earth, hopefully, the fall would kill him. NO such luck. He could hear the screams of the civilians as the Chitauri murdered them but he couldn’t do anything as the Chitauri were on him and tearing at his skin. one tore out the Arc reactor and then its alien face shirted into Obie, with blood treating out of his mounts. Tony’s blood. Tony’s eyes trailed over to Obie’s hand which now held the Arc reactor, but instead, he saw his heart.

-

Tony awoke with a scream, he promptly fell out of bed and staggered to the wall falling against it. He groped at his chest feeling for the oddly reassuring shape of the Arc Reactor but instead found nothing.

_NO, No, it’s gone. Obie really did take it and now I’m going to die._

He couldn’t breathe he choked, collapsing on all fours and coughing. He was shaking like a leaf and wasn’t sure if it was sweat or tears on his face. He heard JARVIS saying something that didn’t register and the room grew to a light glow as the atmosphere was adjusted. Tony lay on the floor hyperventilating with his hands over his eyes.

“Sir?” JARVIS was trying to ask him something and Tony barely heard the next words. “Would you like me to call someone?” Tony didn’t answer feeling as if speaking would be impossible at that moment. Then JARVIS had called someone, Tony could hear the ringtone echoing in the room.

“Tony? Why are you calling? It’s like 8 am or something.” Tony knew that voice, he couldn’t place it though.

“I apologize for this Mr Keener but Sir was panicking and I was unable to calm him down,” JARVIS replied That’s right the voice belonged to Harley, the kid from Tennessee. Tony was friends with him.

“Oh thanks, JARVIS, Tony? You there? You’re having another attack right? Well um, just breathe yeah. Deep breaths. JARVIS, what happened.”

“Sir had a nightmare.”

“Oh, okay. So Tony, other things… um, did I tell you I used the thing you gave me for the bully at my school? He totally freaked and hasn’t bothered me since so thanks so much for that. My mum totally freaked after walking into the garage after you left and finding all the stuff there. She was completely panicking but my sister was like all over the stuff but wanted to know if she could have her watch back so I dunno she doesn’t seem to be missing it that much which is lucky.”

Tony’s breathing had begun to slow down which was a huge relief.

“The potato gun works really well, the ammo thing was solved so thanks for that. My mum wants me to get a job at Stark Industries when I’m older. That seems pretty neat but she probably just wants to retire early or something.”

“Kid,” Tony said weakly.

“School is super boring though and they won’t let me move up a grade for some stupid reason so I have nothing to do at school which is pretty boring.”

“Kid,” Tony said louder and Harley stopped.

“Are you okay now Tony?” Harley asked nervously.

“Not exactly but I never seem to be so that doesn’t really matter.” Tony heard a disbelieving noise over the line.

“Have you gotten a therapist?” Now it was Tony’s turn for a disbelieving noise.

“Yeah I did, they seem to be a real help don’t they.” His voice was still shaking so Tony coughed, his hand still rubbing the scar on his chest.

“So, should I still come down this weekend?” Harley asked nervously.

“Of course kid, maybe you will find that job at SI you’re mum wants you to get.” His voice had managed to regain some composure but he was still shaky.

“Yeah, she’ll love that.” Harley laughed.

“Sorry if J woke you up.” Said Tony sighing.

“No, it’s fine. You can call me whenever you want, I don’t mind.” Tony smiled, god this kid was great.

“Thanks, kid, see you this weekend.”

“See you this weekend Tony.” With that, the call ended and Tony sighed putting his head in his hands.

“Would you like me to do anything, Sir?” Asked JARVIS concerned.

“Yeah J, Start the coffee pot, I’m going back to the lab.” Tony staggered to his feet and began to move towards the kitchen still shaking and with annoyingly irregular breathing. That ToDo list wasn’t going to finish itself.

 

—o—

 

Once again Tony was hiding in his lab. Well less hiding more trying to avoid everyone after coming back from a 2-week long trip to help with Sokovia’s cleanup. He lay on a couch now with his hand over his eyes. Tony was having a hard time deciding which emotion was stronger, the guilt, the anger, or the resentment. Ultron’s attack had given the relationships between the Avengers a turn for the worse. Now the hatred they had for Tony was clear. Since Ultron was his fault and only his fault obviously. It’s not like Bruce also played a major role in Ultron’s creation, or Wanda who made him think that Upton needed to be made with her expert mind raping skills (“Why didn’t you do more?”) and then worked with Ultron to destroy the Avengers since she hated Tony with a passion that was still not lost currently even though Stane selling SI weapons behind Tony’s back was the reason her parents died not because of Tony. But since everything was always Tony’s fault he got all the blame and since Wanda apologised she apparently was an angel child now. But Tony didn’t hold anything against them, not at all. Definitely not. Now they were all upstairs probably watching something considering tonight was normally movie night in the shots how that was the Avengers. Oh well. But Tony was calmed by these moments alone, it gave him time to try and sleep, to avoid the glares, and to mourn JARVIS. That’s right JARVIS, Tony’s longtime friend and companion and practically the equivalent of his child was dead. Just the cherry on top of the fucked up sundae. Of course, since everyone was ignorant they didn’t seem to care about this fact or think of it as a big deal. But JARVIS really was like family to Tony. He had made and raised him, educated him and loved him. But obviously, that didn’t matter to anyone but Tony. (And Pepper sort of). Tony didn’t hate Vision for this or anything because Vision didn’t ask Ultron to kill JARVIS. Besides Tony sort of thought of Vision as family as well. Considering he had both Ultron and JARVIS as part of him so basically, Vision was the child of Bruce, Tony, and Helen Cho. Okay did not need that thought. Not at all. Tony groaned and sat up wearily.

“Boss would you like anything?” Asked FRIDAY tentatively. Tony loved FRIDAY as well but she was still young.

“I’m fine Fri.” he sighed and stood up, making his way to the coffee machine. Reaching it he heard distressed beeping. Turning he saw Dummy, U, and Butterfingers grouped together beeping in sadness. They understood, JARVIS was their family too. Tony smiled sadly at them and rubbed his hand over Dummy’s robotic arm.

“I know.” He said sadly before picking up his coffee mug and sitting down in a chair next to the bots.

“FRIDAY? Can you search Sokovia and sort the results into those relating to the attack and the. Avengers?”

“Of course Boss.” Tony knew he probably shouldn’t be doing this right now but someone had to deal with the press horror likely stirred up regarding the Avengers, so, as per usual that someone was him. Scrolling through the results he saw lots of basic news coverage regarding the event, none with overly bad headlines. Now and then he would mark a suspicious article for inspection later than at other times he would come across ones like this.

AVENGERS ARE TO BLAME FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF SOKOVIA?

Or

SOKOVIA WAS THE AVENGERS FAULT.

But sometimes among these Tony would find ones directed at him.

TONY STARK CREATES ULTRON AND THEN TAKES THE PRAISE FOR STOPPING HIM.

 _Oh boy, this looks like a fun read._ Tony opened the article it was from some popular blog thing. Reading through it Tony saddened, even more, guilt rearing in him like a snake.

“Tony Stark also known as Iron Man is the sole purpose for the attack in Sokovia.”

“He created Ultron, resulting in hundreds of lives lost.”

“If Tony Stark hadn’t meddled those people would still be alive today.”

Tony paled at that line and swiped the screen away. He stood and made his wake to the reliable bottle of scotch. Now would be a great time not to feel any pain. Several glasses later Tony collapsed into a chair and filled another glass with scotch. Then, just as quickly as someone changing the channel anger exploded in him and he got up kicking his chair over, throwing his glass as hard as he could against the floor, it shattered glass flying everywhere. The bots scattered beeping in surprise and worry. Tony threw the bottle down as well and screamed in anger as he began to grab things at random and throw them. He threw the tools to the opposite side of the room, kicked tables and then found himself punching a mirror, the glass shattered and cut his hand but the pain was dull to Tony, in fact, it was kind of satisfying. He punched the mirror again and again. The glass cut into his fist and blood dripped onto the floor. FRIDAY was shouting something over the crashing but Tony ignored her. With a resounding smash, the mirror broke completely and it was just a white metal rectangle dotted with red and surrounded by the reflecting glass. Looking down at the glass on the floor Tony saw his red eyes reflected back at him. At that, he collapsed to the floor and began to sob. Wow, he really was a roller coaster of emotions today. Pathetic. He could practically hear his father’s disapproval. “Stark men don’t cry, Anthony.” Whatever, fuck him, Tony lost a whole lot of shit in his life so he was allowed to have an occasional breakdown. His tears mixed with the blood in his hands and ran onto the floor where it surrounded the glass. Only stared at the shards on the floor, it would be so easy. To just end it, someone else can deal with all the crap for once. But no, he couldn’t, the world needed Iron Man (Or at least he thought it did) and he couldn’t do that to Pepper and Rhodey. He just couldn’t. So he will just have to stay alive for them. Speaking of Rhodey the. Lab door opened and Rhodey ran in. He cried out in surprise at the mess the lab was in and then saw Tony sitting on the floor surrounded by blood and broken glass and probably looking a bit too longingly at said glass.

“Tones? What the hell happened? FRIDAY called me and said you needed help but I didn’t think…” he stopped at sighed getting a first aid kit from the cupboard. He carefully helped Tony up and sat him down on the sofa before bandaging his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Tony muttered, Rhodey looked at him slightly annoyed.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, it’s the rest of the world who are shits. But seriously Tony, you should call me if you want to talk. I don’t mind.” Tony looked at him glumly.

“It’s my fault they’re all dead. Everyone in Sokovia, and JAR-“ his voice choked as he held back a sob.

“Tony, it’s not your fault. But please, god Tones, ask for help sometimes, please.” Rhodey was begging him, Tony cracked.

“I don’t think I know how…” he whispered and Rhodey looked at him sadly.

“You just ask. Ask someone, ask me.” Before Tony could reply the bots came out from where they presumably had been hiding and went up to Tony, beeping in concern. Tony chuckled in a broken way and reached out his not smashed up hand to stroke U.

“Sorry for scaring you guys.” He said the bots beeped reassurance.

“Tones…” began Rhodey but Tony cut him off.

“Okay, I will try to ask for help sometimes.” Rhodey was looking at him disbelief etched on his face.

“Okay, but I’m holding you to that.” He muttered, leaning back on the couch.

_I’ve always been trying just no one notices._

 

—o—

 

    Tony was tired. A usual occurrence but that’s beside the point since this time it was different. It was an exhaustion that seemed to hang on his bones and emanate from his aching body. As per usual he was in his lab. Today he was finishing the last few things that needed to be done, putting the finishing touches on Rhodey’s leg braces for walking so that if he wakes up (idiot, it’s when, when he wakes up) he will be able to walk at least, changing and updating protocols. He had already updated his will as recent events (<cough> the civil war <cough>) meant that he had to change some things. Now it was just leaving a couple billion of dollars to Pepper and Rhodes (along with his various possessions and houses which were distributed between them), 10 million to Peter (he really was liking that kid besides genius is only improved with money.) 15 million to Harley (same reasons as Peter.) and then just cause he’s not a douche, 1.5 million to Scott Lang (for his daughter) and 3 million for Clint (for his kids, maybe Tony really liked children) anyway the rest he’s donating to various charities except for the portion that’s already going to SI. But seriously there is nothing in the world for Tony anymore. Pepper said they were taking a ‘break’ which everyone knows is secret code for ‘breakup’ and Rhodey is likely to never wake up. The Avengers and Iron Man should’ve kept him going but the Avengers don’t exist anymore and Tony is unsure whether they did in the first place (at least the version of the Avengers with him in it.) and honestly there are so many heroes nowadays who would miss him. Besides Tony left his suit’s to Harley as well so if he ever wanted to he could take the role. Tony should probably be dealing with the fallout of the accords fiasco right now but he’s just too tired. Tony finishes the last edit on the braces and sends the bots upstairs with them to the infirmary. He won’t make them witness this. In all seriousness, Tony had wanted to die in the wormhole in New York. It would’ve been the best way for him to go, a heroic ending from saving all of New York or whatever. But he hadn’t been so lucky. Shame. Anyway, he then had stuck to life for everyone else, not him. But Tony slowly began to lose everything. First, of course, had been his mind. PTSD/anxiety/depression can do that to you. Especially when you always ‘forget’ to see you’re therapist, Then he lost the equivalent of a major member of his family when JARVIS, who had always been so nice and comforting to him, argued his sanity in the weaker moments, had died. Then he had begun to lose his only friends or at least who he had thought were his friends, began to push him away, and Bruce who had actually been his friend, left. Then he lost Pepper, the only person who had ever loved him in that way. Then he had completely and utterly lost his friends when he attempted to do what was right and in favour of 117 countries buy only managed to get his chest bashed in by a super soldier he had been _going_ _easy on._ And Rhodey was likely to die, Vision was strong enough to work through any grief, and the same went for the others. Except the Rogues they could end up spitting on his grave for all Tony knew.

    “FRIDAY, activate protocol 184.” Tony said surprisingly calmly. 184, that meant lab lockdown for 24 hours, all calls directed to voicemail and FRIDAY’s access to the room is blocked.

    “Boss, please don’t do th-“ FRIDAY practically begged but Tony cut her off just in case she would be able to change his mind.

    “Now FRIDAY.” He said firmly. Then his face and tone softened. “I’m sorry Fri, I just can’t anymore, I just can’t,” he choked back a sob on the last word.

    “Activation Protocol 184.” Said FRIDAY sadness in her voice. She had to, Tony knew, it was in her programming. The room’s door clicked locked and the hulk-proof glass misted over for privacy. Tony reached for a bottle of scotch, just like anything there was no one he was facing this sober. As he finished pouring a second glass Tony stood up and dug through a  drawer. He finished out a box and opened it. Inside was Howard’s old revolver, H. Stark scratched onto the barrel. How fitting that his dad’s weapon would end Tony’s life.

 _Guess Howard would finally be getting what he wanted._ Thought Tony bitterly as he put a single bullet into the chamber.Tony’s utter calmness was unexpected.

 _I guess that is what happens when you finally get something you want that comes in the blow your brains out form. You aren’t necessarily excited but you aren’t scared either._ Whatever, no time for deep thoughts. There are things that need to be done. Tony took the loaded gun and his scotch to the table in the centre of the room.Tony trailed his fingers over the Iron Man armour from Siberia, it’s still dirty and covered in his dried blood. Tony stared into the eyes of Iron Man, his greatest creation, his legacy. He wasn’t scared at all, the only emotion’s in him were sadness, and yeah that was basically it there was just the sadness that had been his shadow over the years. Growing taller and taller as the sun rose up in the sky. Fuck now he was back to those poetical thoughts again. So there was sadness and emptiness to put it in a purely not-poetical format. But Tony had been thinking about this for ages, longing for it, his thoughts had gotten more realistic recently. Not slit wrists or overdose, or even hanging. All have possibilities of survival. Bullet through the head, quick, easy, final, This had all been decided in a very matter of fact way like choosing from the menu at a restaurant. So Tony had decided and his decision was quite literally, final.

Tony drained the glass of scotch and sighed. Lifting his hand he moved the end of the revolver to his head. He thought of Pepper, her smile, her love. Rhodey, his loyalty, and protectiveness. He thought of the good things. Then there were the Avengers. Liars, backstabbers, Heartbreakers (quite literally), and clueless. They had never been his friends, never been his family. Everything Tony had gotten wrong. All the people he had killed, he imagined their families joy as they heard of his death.

With this resolve, he pulled the trigger.

 

The last thing Tony Stark felt as he died, was relief.


	2. Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rogues react to Tony's death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was asked by some people on FFN to do a reaction chapter so I did and here it is. It's pretty short and warning Natasha is terrifying when she is angry.

Steve looked around the Wakandan common room. Everyone was there and chilling. Wanda levitating a glass with her magic, Clint lounging in a chair eyes closed, Sam talking with Scott at a table. Sometimes Natasha would even pop in. Steve felt calm. Bucky was safe. His team was safe. Everything, minus the wanted thing and the ‘Tony Situation’, was in order. He only wished that Tony had responded to his letter. Or done anything. But Tony was difficult that way and soon his ego would hopefully deflate and he would realise how wrong he had been and forgive them. 

All of a sudden a door slammed in the hallway and two sets of footsteps rushed towards them. Steve stood up from where he had been sitting and tensed. Still on alert even though they were safe. Natasha, now blond, stormed into the room. She was followed by a tense T’challa and she herself was showing a surprising amount of emotion, mainly fury. 

“Tasha what is it?” asked Clint sitting up. She had begun to pace the room releasing a spout of angry Russian.

“Ms Romanoff,” began T’challa his tone strained.

“Is something wrong?” asked Steve worried, he gaze fell on him and Steve almost took a step back at the expression.

“I will tell you what’s wrong.” hissed Natasha she picked up a remote and turned on the large television in the room to the news. At the headline, Steve’s blood drained from his face.

**Tony Stark dead at 46**

Everyone was gaping at the screen and Natasha turned the volume up still pacing in anger. 

**“Tony Stark, son of Howard Stark, and legendary engineer and creator of the hero Iron Man was found dead in his home yesterday morning.” A female broadcaster was saying with a sorrowful expression. “According to authorities, the cause of death was suicide.”**

“What?” gaped Sam at the screen. The woman then went into an obituary for Tony, an image appearing of him and Iron Man on the screen. Steve barely heard it. He had collapsed back into his chair pale and feeling faint. 

“Stark killing himself?” asked Wanda in disbelief, “that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Tony, Tony would never…” muttered Steve, Natasha turned on him, eyes burning a hole in his head.

**“Some might say Tony Stark wasn’t a nice man. However, he was a good one. His last act being leaving a large portion of his money to various charities around the world in his will.” The obituary ended and the final image of Iron Man was replaced by the woman. “This news has generated controversial responses. A surprising amount of people are putting the blame on Captain America and his band of Rogue Avengers. Saying that their attitude and how they left the Avengers, reportedly leaving Mr Stark severely injured as he was not seen in public for weeks after the Civil War, caused the man to commit suicide.”**

_ No. _

_ No. _

_ No. _

**“Although some are arguing that he couldn’t be too angry with them as it was leaked that Mr Stark left some of his fortunes to those Rogue Avengers with children.”**

“He did what?” asked Scott weakly.

**“Either way Tony Stark was a hero and perhaps the Civil War pushed him to the edge.”**

Steve couldn’t take it anymore he stood and turned off the TV. Silence followed the news. Steve hadn’t moved from the now black screen staring at his hands.

“Did you tell him.” hissed Natasha at his back.

“Tell him what,” said Steve.

“Don’t give me that bullshit Rogers. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Nat calm down,” said Clint.

“No Clint, I will not calm down. We were supposed to be his friends. His family even and we didn’t notice anything.”

“It’s not our fault,” said Steve his voice doubtful, Natasha laughed sarcastically.

“It was definitely our fault. Who else did he have apart from Pepper? The Avengers and that’s it. Most of whom recently left him. Pepper even broke up with him so he had no one. No. One.” she looked on the verge of either having a breakdown or killing someone, she then said quieter, “I told him he should watch his back. My last words were the equivalent of a threat to him. Дерьмо!” 

“But he could have been killed, and made to look like a suicide,” suggested Steve.

“Did you tell him.” Natasha hissed at him again.

“Tell him what?” asked Sam. They didn’t answer but Steve shook his head, Natasha collapsed into a chair next to Clint, head in her hands. 

“But he knew?” She asked Steve softly.

“Z-Zemo had a video…” muttered Steve. “Tony flipped out and I- I had to protect Bucky.” Natasha groaned.

“Of course he flipped out. Who wouldn’t.” 

“What video?” asked Wanda, Steve didn’t reply.

“Tell them at least Steve,” Natasha recommended coldly. 

“The Winter Soldier. He, uh, killed Howard and Maria Stark.” Steve said wincing and refusing to turn and face the others. It was his fault. All of it.

The silence that followed the words was deafening. 

“Are you kidding?” asked Clint aghast.

“He saw the video of his parent's death? No wonder he flipped out,” said Scott sickened. 

“And Steve conveniently forgot to tell him for 2 years,” Natasha added. More silence followed the statement. 

“I apologize for this but you will have to leave Wakanda,” said T’challa his tone stiff and expression stony. “The Avengers knew you were here and now after this event, they may come looking for you.” Wanda gaped at him. “Mr Barton, Mr Lang. Tony Stark was able to negotiate deals for you both to return to your families on house arrest and have a flight to the FBI headquarters in 3 hours. Do not be late. The rest of you have until then to leave.” Before any reply could be made T’challa turned and strode out of the room. Natasha stood, clearly with the intent to leave.

“I hope you are happy with what your actions have brought us. I know I’m not.” She stormed out of the room leaving them sitting in silence. Steve was horrified. How could he let this happen? Tony is, Tony was his friend and he had… he had… killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> So! Please comment what you thought. I was thinking of maybe making this into a reading the fic thing just because I need the Rogues guilt to survive. (Maniacal laugh) if people like this i’ll Probably do that.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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